My friends will tell you that I'm obsessed with Seinfeld, that I have a Seinfeld anecdote for practically everything that happens in my life. There was a time that I had even declared myself to be Elaine Bennes. And why not? We dated the same kind of guys, and have had the worst workplaces even though we're both in professions we love. Yes, I have not had to buy white socks for my Boss. yet. But I have had to do some weird things for my job. Keep reading.
There's a Seinfeld episode where Elaine starts dating the "Bizarro Jerry", so nominated because he is the absolute antithesis of Jerry, like the Bizarro character in Superman, who is the exact opposite of the man from Krypton.
Well, not exactly since then, but in general, I have been obsessed with the idea of the my Bizarro. I try and identify every woman I meet (I appreciate that an antithesis of me should ideally be male, but as a concept, it sucks, so...) as the One, but something or the other happens to make them less... bizarro?
Anyway, now I have, I've met her, and boy, is she something.
She's marrying my Boss's son.
How did I get involved in my Boss's son's wedding? I have no idea. I have gotten enough flak from my Dad on how there's no need for me to bother about this. But yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have spent an entire day on the phone inquiring on the location, availability and costs of Air Conditioned Halls in Mumbai with a capacity of 800 people or more. Anyone who needs advice, feel free to contact me. I just have one answer - its cheaper to get married in Goa. It has better coolness value also.
Boss drags me with him for Hall Inspection No. 1. He has already committed the crucial mistake of marital organization:
"Arre, we place complete and utter faith on your Judgment. Whatever you think is right, we will do it"
Their judgement: Hall located in the back of beyond of Andheri. Takes us 1 1/2 hours in traffic (mother f^&%$(^ express highway my a%#) to get there.
'Baby', as she shall be henceforth referred, bears a strong resemblance to me, claims Boss. Surprisingly even her parents thought so. Parents usually take a lot of convincing to acknowledge that someone bears a resemblance to their kid. This time, her parents actually thought (from a distance, to be fair) that the woman who emerged from my Boss's car was Baby. Baby may have looked like me, if it weren't for the fact that her face was like a ski jump - 5 inches of powder, 6 inches of base. (I wish I could cite the Author of this quote, but I can't remember!) and she needs to read the latest Cosmo on "Blusher Bloopers". This similar looking thing is important in the Bizarro context, mind you. Baby and Boss's son are getting married the traditional way, meeting for the first time on the day of the Marriage Registration. Ladies and Gentlemen, applause for the wonders of the Internet era.
As decided, the hall was examined. However, like a skit from "Who's line is it anyway" I was shown the card who made me the "Wedding Planner from Hell".
The rest of the Hall survey went a lot like this:
In laws: "Lovely Hall, no?"
Boss: "Oh, lovely. Ruma, what do you think?"
Boss's wife: "Very lovely. Ruma, what do you think?"
So we are in the car. I am being given a tour of Andheri East (snort, snort).
Daddy: This is the lane leading to our house.
Me: Uh huh.
(Five minutes drive later)
Mommy: This is Baby's office.
Me: That's convenient (thinking of my 45 minute commute)
Mommy: Yes. Every day, I get Baby's lunch to her in Office.
Mommy: She gets to have hot food every day.
Me: (wondering what one says to something like this, somehow 'how nice' seems difficult to enunciate, hoping someone will change the topic)
Daddy: Did you hear that? Every day she gets tiffin.
Me: Yes, I did. (thankful that I am in the back seat so expression is concealed). Lucky her.
Mommy: Hahn, everyone asks, Baby ke saath Mummy free aati hai kya?
Me: And she has not been arrested for attempt to social suicide yet?
Quickly, change the freaking topic NOW!!!
Me: Well, you must be really rushing to get your shopping done, yeah?
Mommy: Yes yes, we are buying some things. But Baby is always shopping. Yesterday she went to Lokhandwala and saw this Chaniya Choli for Dandiya. It was for 50,000.
Me: This was the platinum edition?
Mommy: And her papa is like, what, 50,000 ka chaniya choli?
Mommy: And I was like, arre, you don't know, what she bought last week was 60,000. Ha ha ha!
Mommy: But I didn't think it was really worth it, you know. It wasn't anything great. I saw it. So I chose another one. It was a real unique design.
Mommy: It was 90,000.
Me: Right. Right.
Mommy: Anyway, our Baby never wears anything twice.
I was taken back to the time when A and I were reading the Splurge supplement to the HT on Saturdays, about the 5000 buck bra.
"Dude, I'd never take it off. Not even while having sex."
Another 10 minutes to the finish line. One more change of topic. Thankfully, this time, Mommy initiated it.
Mommy: Do you stay alone?
Me: No, I stay with my roommate. We were together in College.
Daddy: So, how do you manage food and all?
Me: Uh, lunch is in office, I cook otherwise.
Mommy: YOU cook?
Daddy: You COOK?
Me: Um, yes?
Daddy: Well, do you cook well?
What kind of question was that? I thought of Lax offering me double my salary to come cook for him.
Me: Well, my friends say so.
Daddy : Is that so?
Our Baby doesn't even know how to put on the gas!
Me: Of course.
Then of course, when she went, accompanied by AP, my Office colleague, for the marriage registration preliminaries. Now AP is the sweetest, the most patient, understanding and chivalrous man in the Crim Lit fraternity, to say the least. AP is asked to watch over her as she fills out the form, and she comes to the section on 'address'.
"This says permanent address. What do I write?"
So AP explains to her exactly what is a 'permanent address' and she writes it down.
"Now it says residential address. Now what?"
"Write the same address."
Triumphantly she hands the form over to AP for his admiration. AP suddenly chokes. I kid you not, AP even got the form xeroxed ("you should always keep a copy for the record") just to show us this gem.
"V. RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS: write the same address"
Don't you love it when fact gets stranger than fiction?