Some observations of the world around us from the weekend gone by:
1. Sunday: Just in case you weren't thrown off by the real random happenings and bad acting just 10 minutes into the movie, the item number should be enough to get you walking straight out of the theatre. Any movie which uses Tushar Kapoor as an item boy should not be allowed a release on grounds of humanity. As if that wasn't bad enough, in a flashback scene, they insist on replaying Tushar's introductory footage. The only good thing about the movie is Arshad Warsi and Irfan Khan. See, its movies like Sunday which make me think that some movies should only be released on DVD and not in theatres, sort of like a committee of brave souls which watch the movie and say. "Well, now that you've put in all this effort and come up with this piece of shit, let's not torture people too much, shall we?". So you can watch the movie with the luxury of fast forwarding the real crappy parts. Have you heard that if you watch Sawariya on 4x speed on DVD it can actually be a meaningful piece of cinema?
2. The possibility of there being too much of a good thing: Or how my enthusiasm over writing for the food blog has given me indigestion.
3. Sometimes no rent can be a bad thing: It's nice to live in your parent's flat and not have to pay rent in a fuck-all real estate place like Mumbai, but it's kind painful when they drop in and you find out that they haven't done return tickets.
"I'm the master of my time", says Dad, stretching out on the sofa.
4. Long Distance relationships: Work for very few people. For the people who make it work, let me tell you, it is a complete and utter bitch. I am now convinced that the only feasible long distance relationship is with your parents. Come to think of it, any other relationship with your parents is unfeasible.
5. Mumbai weather: If someone tells me about tropical climates, I might hit them. Yeah, it's cold in Delhi, I know, but its cold in Mumbai too - and it gives you the shivers because you're not ready for it at all - almost like a snap test for 5 of those 20 marks which were part of the murky "internal" component of the board exams, and flunking this test could mean messing up a possible 10% of those 20 marks which, back then, was the end of the world.
6. PMS: Is certainly not the recommended frame of mind to be having, however, I welcome it with open arms. It's wonderful how a bad mood and water retention can sometimes put a lot of things into perspective.
7. Peer pressure: Never really ends, it just gets you to do new things. So I was on the "ha ha I lived my childhood without peer pressure and look at what it got me so what if i was a fat kid with bad skin and braces with no social life at least i'm not like the cool kids I studied with who now work for Barista" trip for a long time. Now suddenly, as I lay awake one morning (see point No. 2) I realized that a lot of things I have been doing are not because I want them, but because they seem the right thing to do by my peer group. I have been forced to place a ban on conversations with people who a. are getting married b. are quitting their jobs c. are trying to lose weight because I am tempted to get all gung ho about doing things I do not particularly want to do. This has to stop somewhere. After all, the world cannot possibly handle 80 unemployed, married and anorexic Law School graduates.
8. The secret to alleviation of all potency problems: I was forced to have a discourse on sex with my Boss when I was working on a case in which a guy allegedly raped a woman 6 times in two hours. I went into his room, hesitatingly, to tell him that this allegation counters everything I knew about sex from biology textbooks (yeah, right). I never thought saying "multiple orgasms" in front of my Boss would be that difficult.
"Rape connotes only penetration," explained Boss. "Not an Orgasm. He penetrated her six times, and the entire act went on for two hours."
This put things into an entirely different perspective. You see, the first half of my sexual partners (taking a broad definition of sexual) have suffered from, well, deficiency. Of course, this was a rape case and I had sympathies with the victim. Also, my curiosity was not reflective of my present sex life, or rather, the lack of it. This was a purely academic interest.
"You mean," I asked. "TWO HOURS?"
Boss smiled, like a smug lecturer who deliberately leaves out a detail and says "I knew this question was coming..." and said words which would help women claiming sexual deficiency on the part of their partners all over:
"He was coked out of his mind"
I downloaded Clapton and listened to it while reading the chargesheet:
If your thing is gone and you wanna ride on; cocaine.
Dont forget this fact, you cant get it back; cocaine.
She dont lie, she dont lie, she dont lie; cocaine.